No need to continue destructive patterns of conflict that are damaging to yourself, your spouse, your marriage, your family and your testimony. Apply these steps to work through conflict staying connected with your spouse and working together and watch your marriage blossom into something beautiful.
Conflict is a healthy and normal part of any relationship. It is how we handle the conflict that will determine whether it results in either growth and intimacy or division and damage. God calls us all to be biblical peacemakers and to unconditionally love one another as Christ loves us, demonstrating the love and power of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
We must take responsibility to find a way to treat each other with dignity and respect and to resolve conflict peaceably, always having as our goal peace, unity and reconciliation, wherever possible.
- Spend time praying and preparing before talking to your spouse. Pause first so as not to react in impulse, old habits or in a strong emotion. Prayerfully assess what’s going on. Most conflict is rooted in unmet needs. Check first to see if your need is one that can only be met by God. Expecting others to meet needs that can only be met by God will set us up for disappointment and bitterness.
- Take responsibility for your emotions and be in control of them. If either you and/or your spouse is caught up in a strong emotion, see ’NOTE – To Diffuse a Strong Emotion’ below before proceeding. Do not get sucked into your spouse’s drama and emotion in such a way that you feel out of control (eg venting on one another – feel better short term by ‘vomiting’ emotions on another person, but causing long term damage. In such a case it is better not to enter into it or to disengage until such a time that emotions are under control and a productive conversation can be had. If you choose to enter into the discussion, do so in a responsible way, with a clear positive outcome as your goal. See me for more notes on ‘Boundaries’.
- Take the initiative and speak up with the truth in love. Approach your spouse as soon as possible in gentleness and with humility. Make sure it is a suitable time and place – not too tired, stressed or distracted. Whether you are the offender or offended, unresolved conflict delays and deepens resentment and guilt. It also blocks our fellowship with God. Pursuing peace might mean risking short term conflict in order to bring about a genuine and lasting peace. It is often necessary for the good of the relationship and is very different to venting which has negative consequences.
- Re-affirm the relationship and goal for peace, unity and reconciliation. “Our relationship is important to me. I’d love to talk about ______ with you so that we can find a way forward and enjoy intimacy.” Our goal should never be to hurt our spouse or to control, manipulate or get what we want.
- Define the problem clearly (only 1 issue at a time). Stay on topic and share how the issue affects each one. Use ‘I’ statements when sharing feelings to take responsibility for your feelings and not to blame. Share your needs. An argument is often a misunderstanding, triggering feelings of, for example, “I feel unloved, I feel unseen, I feel disrespected/dishonored right now.”
- Listen carefully to the other person’s perspective, and validate and empathise with their feelings. Reflect back what you believe you have heard. You don’t need to agree with them but to try to understand and empathise with how they are feeling. Focus on feelings, not facts. Don’t be defensive. “I value your opinion. You matter to me. I’m sorry that you are feeling so hurt. I’m so glad you’re telling me this. Tell me more.”
- Confess your part of the conflict or any way you may have contributed to the problem. Don’t make excuses or shift blame, but humbly and honestly own up to your part. Get rid of the log in your own eye by admitting your own mistakes. This usually defuses other person’s anger and disarms their attack, opening up the way to reconciliation. Pray, asking God to show you your faults and may even ask a third party to check your blind spots. Accept responsibility for mistakes and ask forgiveness. “I can understand why you’re upset with me and why you felt _____. I’m so sorry.”
- Stand together and attack the problem, not the person. A soft answer will deflate anger and encourage conversation and reconciliation, whereas harmful words will cause division. See me for more notes on ‘Communication Ground Rule Suggestions’ below. Treat one another with dignity and respect, or walk away until you can. Often the way we handle conflict creates a bigger hurt than the original problem itself.
- Seek and propose a solution. The solution is more important than the issue. Brainstorm ideas and share what each person now needs by asking, “What are we going to do? What’s one step we can both agree to make to move forward?” Compromise and take responsibility to find one solution and action that you can both agree to try. It only needs to be a small step towards a bigger solution that you are working towards. The idea is to keep moving forward, united as a team – not to try to solve everything in one discussion.
- Cooperate and compromise, as much as possible. Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with your spouse (and everybody).
- Forgive and move on – don’t take it with you. As believers we are called to forgive one another, as Christ has forgiven us. Forgiveness is a decision you can make now but is also often a cyclical process that takes time, especially with deep hurts. Let it go so that it doesn’t weigh you or the relationship down. “Thank you for listening to me and taking responsibility for ______. I choose forgive you and want to move forward.”
- Emphasize reconciliation, which focuses on the relationship, rather than resolution, which focuses on the problem. While it is unrealistic to expect us both to agree on everything, we can and should expect to maintain unity and connection whilst seeking to find solutions in the spirit of harmony. Emphasis should be on the issue being dealt with, respected and aired while not always being necessary to resolve, especially not straight away. Sometimes the solution is simply to be heard and understood. It may not be possible to reconcile with someone who is not repentant of their wrong behaviour and may put you at risk of being harmed again. See me for extra notes on ‘What is a Destructive Relationship?’.
- Reward and affirm each other for progress. Reaffirm your love, acceptance and commitment to each other. Have a break and do something fun and relaxing. Resolving conflict can be exhausting.
NOTE – To diffuse a strong emotion:
- Say, “Can you just give me a minute please.” Take 3 deep, slow breaths, with your hand over your heart. Ask for God’s help, strength, wisdom and guidance.
- Come alongside your spouse, remembering you’re on the same team, and hold hands quietly for 10 seconds to diffuse the tension. This physical touch tends to lower stress hormones such as cortisol in your body, creating a calmness. If spouse is resistant you may need to take some separate time out first to calm down. Physical activity may help by forcing our brain to focus on something else, reducing the intensity of the emotion. Once calm we can think more objectively to notice triggers and find a solution. See me also, for more notes (or MP3) on ‘Healthy Processing of Emotions.’
- Where possible, give each other a heart felt hug. Close eyes and breathe deeply. Remind each other that together you can handle what lies ahead even though right now you can’t see the way. Choose to stay connected throughout the conflict and to attack the problem, not each other, remembering that your spouse is more important than the problem you are facing. Every conflict is an opportunity to choose love and to grow in intimacy.
For extra support and guidance on how to practically apply these steps and learn other skills and strategies, give me a call or send me a message/email to book in a time to find out more.
Wendy Ventura
Blossom Coaching & Counselling
0405 080 071
wendy@blossoming.com.au www.blossoming.com.au